I was daydreaming just now, thinking about a conversation I had earlier with another parent. We were discussing the issues his son was having in school, how amotivated his child was and their struggle to get him to make an effort. It got me to thinking about what motivates our children to achieve and then mentally, automatically rephrased it as what motivates our children to make an effort.

I can remember vague encouragement to put in effort, but the effort itself didn’t seem to be what was most important to the people around me. It was the trappings of success that they used to measure my achievement that seemed to be what was important. Standardized test scores, awards, prestigious schools, and grades…I had to excel in order to stay off of my parents’ radar. I don’t remember my successes being particularly celebrated, in fact, I felt that my brother often got the lion’s share of attention for his dismal performances. My As would go unnoticed in favor of my brother’s Cs and Ds, even Fs. I don’t remember much pride in achievement as much as I remember fear of underperformance.

I recently read an article about the difference between praising a child’s intelligence vs. praising their effort. The article mentions at one point “‘Emphasizing effort gives a child a variable that they can control….They come to see themselves as in control of their success. Emphasizing natural intelligence takes it out of the child’s control, and it provides no good recipe for responding to a failure.’” I was told I was smart all my life and I spent my whole life feeling like a failure, like a fraud, and like I had never met my potential. I spent a lot of time taking the easy road instead of challenging myself and the external pressures I faced from my family and institutions of education only served to motivate me with a constant goad of fear. Remove the stimulus and I had no motivation at all to achieve success. I couldn’t even define it.

So, my children, my sons. I will celebrate your successes, but most of all, I will praise your hard work. I will notice your effort. I will not punish your failures but I hope to teach you that failure and disappointment are a path to progress and growth. I will not coddle you, no. I will not be blind to your faults and I will not feed your conceit.

But it doesn’t mean I don’t think you’re the smartest, handsomest boys alive and I love you. I hope a desire to challenge yourself will be your motivation to succeed at whatever you choose to do. You have my blessing to follow your bliss.